Emotional Well-Being in the Pandemic Age: Self-Care Strategies for Tough Times
Sep 01, 2020 09:30AM ● By Sandra Yeyati
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As the pandemic ravages our country, we are engulfed by a sea of
challenging emotions, including fear, loss, anger, disappointment and
grief. Compounding the suffering, past emotional traumas and pent-up
desires are surfacing and crying for attention. One way to navigate
these treacherous waters is by first enveloping ourselves in
self-compassion. Next, we can gather the courage to face our fears and
experience unpleasant feelings in order to heal them and let them go.
Then, we search for and internalize positive emotional states to rewire
our brains for positivity. This noble voyage promises immense rewards
along the way.
The Cocoon of Self-Compassion
Some
of us chase self-esteem like the Holy Grail, yet it eludes us when we
need it most. Faced with a failing grade or cruel insult, our self-worth
withers. We can’t understand why we lost it or how to get it back. When
we attach our self-worth to achievements or comparisons with other
people, self-esteem becomes unstable and unreliable.
Enter
self-compassion, the life-changing perspective of showing kindness to
ourselves in any and all situations—a supportive best friend that lives
within us and can be accessed any time, every day. A pioneer and expert
in this topic, Kristin Neff believes
that self-compassion has three components: a decision to be kind to
ourselves, a mindful awareness when we are in pain so that we can seek
some relief and a sense of common humanity or connectedness.
We
already know how to be compassionate, says Neff, an associate professor
of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and
co-author of The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook.
“It’s linked to the parasympathetic nervous system, which is a natural
part of our organism. We’re tapping into this way of feeling safe, which
is through care, bonding and connectedness.”
Encouraging
our friends when they’re feeling down or hugging our moms in the
morning is hardwired into us. When we decide to be kind to ourselves,
it’s easy to think of what we would say: “I’m sorry you failed that
test. You’ll do better next time. How can I help you?” To lend
perspective, add a statement about our common humanity, counsels Neff.
“This is hard for everybody. You’re not alone.”
We
must be aware of our pain before we can comfort it, and many of us try
to suppress or resist pain, choosing to numb it with distractions like
alcohol addiction or compulsive shopping. Others may get lost in the
storyline of what’s happening and succumb to suffering with no apparent
way to obtain relief. Self-pity or self-criticism may creep in.
Mindful
awareness is the antidote to these emotional extremes, because it helps
us become aware that we are experiencing pain and to stay with that
pain long enough to make a conscious decision to take care of ourselves.
“One easy thing is physical touch,” says Neff. “The first few years of
life you have no words, so the body is programmed to respond to touch as
a signal of care. Put your hand on your heart or your stomach, or hold
your hand. This changes your physiology, activates your parasympathetic
nervous system, helps you calm down and helps you feel physically
supported. Sometimes, that’s an entryway for people.”
Finding Confidence Through Unpleasant Feelings
Nobody likes to feel sad or embarrassed. We’d rather have an ice cream cone or turn on the TV. But for Dr. Joan Rosenberg,
a prominent psychologist and speaker, uncomfortable feelings present an
invaluable opportunity for people to transform into confident
individuals that relate to the world around them with authenticity and
resilience.
In her book 90 Seconds to a Life You Love,
Rosenberg offers a formula—one choice, eight feelings, 90 seconds—to
experience and move through eight of the most common unpleasant
feelings: sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment,
disappointment, frustration and vulnerability.
“The
choice is to stay aware of and in touch with as much of your
moment-to-moment experience as possible and not get lost in avoidance,”
she explains, adding that there are more than 30 behaviors, thoughts and
emotions that we employ as distractions, including substance abuse,
social media, pornography, exercise, obsessive thoughts about body
image, humor and denial.
“Be aware of what you’re
aware of,” she advises. “If we know that we don’t like feelings, and we
know we’ve been engaged in using ways to distract ourselves, then our
challenge is to be more awake and aware of those times we do it, and as
soon as we start to do the thing and become aware, that’s when we make
the decision to stop and ask, ‘What’s really going on?’”
Discoveries
in neuroscience suggest that most of us come to know what we’re feeling
emotionally through bodily sensations. We might feel heat in the neck
and face when embarrassed or a sinking feeling in the chest when
disappointed. As feelings get triggered in the body, a rush of
biochemicals in the bloodstream activate these sensations and are
flushed out of the bloodstream in roughly 90 seconds.
“Most people have the impression that feelings linger a whole lot
longer and that they’re going to be overwhelmed by it and never come out
of it if they start. But when they understand that what they’re trying
to avoid are uncomfortable bodily sensations that help you know what
you’re feeling emotionally, and that these are short-lived, most people
will start to lean into them, and once they do, their life changes,”
Rosenberg says.
To move through bodily sensations,
which may come in multiple waves, take deep, slow breaths. Try not to
tighten up or clench the jaw and swallow. Notice the location and nature
of the bodily sensations to help identify which of the eight unpleasant
feelings it might be, and be curious as to what might have triggered
it. All of this will take a few moments. With practice, identification
will become faster, easier and more accurate.
“If I
have more time, then I can think about whether this is connected to
anything else. Is it just one thing that triggered it, or is it like
something else that’s happened before?” Rosenberg says. This level of
awareness leads to a calming effect, clearer thinking, improved decision
making and, perhaps most importantly, an ability to speak
authentically.
“If we don’t handle the eight feelings,
we don’t feel capable in the world,” she says. The ability to speak
adds to that empowerment. “From asking someone to stop a behavior so
that you feel safer to telling someone you love them, asking your boss
for a raise or letting people know about yourself and your work to
garner opportunities and desired experiences—it cuts across every aspect
of our lives and is absolutely crucial to our sense of well-being.”
Rewiring the Brain for Positivity
Discoveries
in neuroplasticity have revealed that the brain changes throughout life
well into adulthood. It’s designed to learn not just ideas and
information, but skills, attitudes, feelings and moods. Rick Hanson, a clinical psychologist and author of several books, including Hardwiring Happiness and Resilient, contends that we can develop greater happiness, just like we can develop greater depression.
“There’s
a lot of research that shows that through deliberate little practices
spread out through the day or sometimes more formal practices like
psychotherapy or meditation, we can actually produce physical changes in
the brain that are now measurable with things like MRIs,” he remarks.
Hardwiring
happiness is easy, pleasurable and doesn’t take a lot of time. “If you
take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves,” says
Hanson. “Little steps gradually move us forward a breath at a time, a
minute at a time, a synapse at a time. Bit by bit, we grow the good
inside while gradually releasing the bad.”
“Our power
to positively influence who we are in small, genuine ways every day is
really important to compensate for the brain’s negativity bias, which
makes it like Velcro for bad experiences, but Teflon for good ones,” he
says. “We evolved a negativity bias over the 600-million-year evolution
of the nervous system. Learning from negative experiences and mistakes
was a critical survival skill, so we have a brain that is designed to
scan for bad news, overreact to it and fast-track it into memory. It’s
not our fault, but it is our responsibility to deal with it by first,
feeling the negative without reinforcing it and second, focusing on the
positive and taking it in. Gradually, you can give yourself a brain
that’s like Velcro for the good and Teflon for the bad.”
Sandra Yeyati, J.D., is a professional writer. Reach her at [email protected].
Making Courage a Habit
In her book The Courage Habit, life coach Kate Swoboda presents a four-part method for people to face their fears, release the past and live their most courageous life.
Access the body.
Practice any body-centric activity like mindful meditation, exercise or
dancing every single day to release stress and anxiety, become centered
and more present, and clear the mind.
Listen without attachment.
When your self-critic offers a warning or criticism, hear the words,
understanding that this is fear trying to protect you and deciding that
it’s misguided and not true.
Reframe limiting stories or beliefs.
Amend your internalized self-critic’s messages to be more respectful
and supportive. If it says, “You’re stupid to try that,” revise it to,
“I’m smart because I’m willing to try.”
Create community. Reach out to like-minded individuals that are supportive of the changes you are trying to make. Building Up Our Happiness Quotient
These exercises are recommended by psychologist Rick Hanson:
Slow down, breathe and see the big picture.
This simple practice brings us into the present moment, reduces the
stress activation in the body, disengages us from verbal chatter and
negative reactivity, and buys us time to see more clearly. Take three
breaths, making the exhalation longer than the inhalation.
Five-Minute Challenge
Take in the good. It
could be a flower blooming, birds singing or a nice exchange with
another person. Slow down, take a few breaths and let it sink in for a
minute or two.
Focus on something to cultivate. Perhaps
it’s patience or gratitude. Look for opportunities to have an
experience of this quality and internalize it for another minute.
Marinate in pleasant feelings. Cultivate a sense of calm, contentment or warm-heartedness for a couple of minutes.