Ask a Coach: How Can I Keep Other People From Energetically Draining Me So Much?
Feb 01, 2022 06:00AM ● By Adele Wang
Introducing our new Ask a Coach column where you can ask one of our three consulting coaches about just about anything! A new column will appear every month on our website and once a quarter in our print magazine. To submit a question, go to bit.ly/naa-ask-a-coach. ❧
“How can I keep other people from energetically draining me so much?”
This is probably one of the most common questions I get as a coach, so know that you’re not alone. Many people often feel exhausted and drained by other people, even people they love. Sensitive people, in particular, often feel other people’s energies even more than their own. Without knowing any other way to deal with it, they often avoid or retreat from others. But that can backfire. It’s more about learning how to hold your energy around people so you can fully show up and be present.
Energy is the sum of all of you—your thoughts, your emotions, and how your body is carrying its life force. Your energy field is like a golden cocoon of life force that powers your body or like a beautiful marshmallow that holds all of your light. This light is yours and needs to stay with you, not drift away toward other people.
Everyone has an energy field, even if they’re unaware of it. And almost everyone can feel when something is “off.” Feeling easily drained by other people tells you that something can use a bit of attention.
One of the most common reasons people lose their energy around others is that they have a strong desire to be liked and approved of by others. So they send their energy out to see how other people are feeling about them, trying to get information about them so they know how to respond in return. It’s a subconscious, instantaneous habit.
Is that you? Do you have a strong need to make other people happy? People pleasers typically expend a lot of energy trying to read people and provide solutions to their problems. They can send out so much energy to tune into others that they often don’t notice what’s happening with their own energy. Trying to anticipate what others want and trying to say something useful or helpful can be exhausting.
Sometimes people get drained because they let go of their energy in order to “disappear” energetically. Sensitive people tend to do this when they feel uncomfortable or anxious around others or when they’re in a crowd with a lot of people’s energies pressed close together. It’s a survival technique—a way to hide and be less noticeable when the environment feels unsafe and chaotic. Sensitive people can disappear this way, or they can absorb other people’s energies without knowing they’re doing it. Either way, it doesn’t feel good.
No matter what your pattern might be, the key is to develop more energetic awareness of what’s happening in the moment. It’s like the difference between a wad of cotton candy and a ripe, juicy tomato. People who are easily drained have energy fields that are very porous, like cotton candy. It doesn’t take much to blow away some of that energy.
In contrast, if you held your energy as if you were a ripe tomato, you’d be full of light and juice, sealed up with a smooth, supple skin. Your energy would be more tangible and contained.
If your energy is contained like a tomato, you can sustain it inside your energy cocoon. You don’t generate more energy only to have it sucked away like cotton candy, and you don’t need to expend energy trying to block out other people’s energy, either.
Here are two energy practices to help strengthen your energy field:- The next time you’re around someone, give only 25 percent of your energy to the person and keep 75 percent of it focused on yourself, internally. Notice what’s happening to your physical body, your emotions and the thoughts that cross your mind. That 75 percent of your energy should be way down in your lower belly, noticing yourself. This extra emphasis and awareness on your own field will keep your energy from being pulled away or drifting the other person.
- If you feel drained in some situation, you can pull it back through your eyes. Energetic drain happens as if energy is pulled out of our eyes. So imagine you’re pulling your energy back in, through and behind your eyes, and then back down into your body, all the way down to your lower belly. Settle there, breathe and feel the stability.
Both of these practices will help you feel more stable around other people’s energies. You might even notice that it gets easier to connect with people when your energy is more contained and not getting lost, pinging into everyone else. With practice, you’ll likely find it easier to be around people. You’ll become more curious and feel less triggered by other people’s emotions. Some of my clients report that they feel more “at home” energetically and even improve the quality of their relationships without having to “work” on specific issues. ❧
