When I was a child, I really liked myself. Carly Simon’s song, “You’re So Vain,” topped the charts back in the early ‘70s, and my mother used to say I thought the song was about me. I used to stand in front of the mirror, hairbrush in hand, singing and smiling at my own little image. I don’t know if I was born confident or if lots of my little girl successes and good fortune empowered me.

I was an early reader in a two-parent home with a live-in grandmother, two big sisters and a succession of pets. We had dogs, cats, birds, fish, hamsters and turtles. I knew I was loved by adults, children and animals, so it wasn’t hard to love myself.

As I became a young woman, pieces of that little girl slipped away—lost to trauma, seemingly harmless teasing and my struggle for identity. I found myself terrified to speak in front of an audience, say my piece in work meetings and ask for a raise when I knew I deserved one. I found myself thinking I was just lucky when things worked in my favor. When I was complimented on my work, personality or appearance, I would shrug it off as “no big deal.” I wondered what people saw in me that I didn’t see in myself. When things went well, I waited for the proverbial “other shoe to drop.” I wasn’t surprised when it often did.

It took years for me to uncover my true self and learn to appreciate my own genius. When I talk like this, I realize it makes some people uncomfortable. I’m not selfish, arrogant or full of delusions of grandeur. I’ve simply learned to love myself.

In a society that teaches women to keep our pretty little heads down and be quiet, demure and respectful, pushing your chin out and your shoulders back can be threatening for some. Maybe even “unladylike,” as my mom might have said.

But over the years, I’ve learned to spend time with me. I’ve discovered what I like and what I don’t. I love to hike wide trails with tree roots and waterfalls. I shamelessly watch horror, thrillers, documentaries and reality TV. I’m not sure I can live without practicing yoga, meditating and burning bundles of incense and sage. I can roll around in books, and I’ve even written four of them. But I can’t pay attention to graphic novels or comic books, and I don’t understand anime or Comicon. I don’t know much about action movies, fantasy or superheroes. I’ve never read Harry Potter or watched Game of Thrones, and I’m sure I never will. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched the Super Bowl or a hockey game.

I love the rain. I don’t care for snow. I like body oil, not lotion. Body butter is a “maybe.” You get the idea.

Learning to love myself started with figuring out what I do and don’t like. I learned to say “yes” to what I want, “no” to what I don’t and “maybe” to the things I haven’t decided about yet.

Besides the external stuff, I uncovered my values—not the ones from my parents or the religion of my youth. I learned that I prefer a dose of kind honesty to fake accolades. I learned that I love giving, but I am still working on receiving. I hate greed. I don’t like competition. I prefer collaboration.

I’m wildly curious and love to learn. It annoys me when other folks don’t like to read, learn new things or ask questions. I do research on everything because I’m a critical thinker and a Virgo. I don’t think everyone else is lying; I just don’t trust that other people can tell facts from fiction or misinformation from disinformation.

I know I have courage, and I like to feel free. The times I went skydiving, hang gliding, ziplining and speeding down some of the largest rollercoasters and waterslides are some of my favorite memories. I love to write, coach and teach.

Sometimes I can be a bit too blunt and have to be careful not to hurt folks’ feelings. I love to say “no” and stand up for my right to honor me. Like, “No, I’d rather relax at home than come to the party,” or “No, I don’t eat turkey” (even on Thanksgiving). I clutch my imaginary pearls when my work is being critiqued. (I’m the person who reviewed my submission 12 times to make it perfect, so when someone finds flaws, it hurts.)