Welcome to our first Everyday Spirituality column, a quarterly feature we’re introducing with this issue. We’ve recruited a panel of Atlanta’s spiritual leaders, representing a variety of spiritual and religious backgrounds, and every three months we’ll ask them a question we think you might want to ask them. Since the idea for this column first arose more than two years ago, we are thrilled to finally be able to share it with you now!

Be sure to let us know your thoughts about our new column or any suggestions you have for future questions by emailing Diane at [email protected].

What elevates an “okay” romantic relationship to a “great” relationship? And what might be the first steps to take to reach that next level?

David Ault

I feel words like “elevating” regarding relationships can sometimes lure us into believing there is a scoreboard, that love requires improvement, upgrades, better output. Yet most relationships aren’t struggling because of a lack of effort. They struggle because of a misunderstanding of where fulfillment actually arises.

We tend to search for what’s missing. We look for proof that our partner isn’t showing up fully enough, caring deeply enough, communicating clearly enough. And when our attention is directed toward deficiency, we inevitably find it. Everywhere we look, we see what we’re looking for.

But what happens when the focus shifts? The most powerful factor I’ve seen, in both my personal and professional life, is a mutual decision to value what is already here. Not sentimentally, but as a serious spiritual practice. It is a recognition that meaning isn’t constructed from milestones or grand gestures, but from the deeply ordinary ways we choose to regard one another.

If I wake each day scanning for signs of my partner’s love—their care, their presence—I see them. If I look for their courage, their persistence, the ways they keep choosing to show up in this human world, I notice them. My attention becomes a mirror that reflects their inherent value back to them. The same happens in reverse. When two people are practicing this together, the relationship isn’t “elevated”—it’s revealed.

And perhaps the most liberating truth is this: the shift does not require fixing anything. It requires purifying the seeing. Allowing love to flow from attention rather than expectation. Recognizing that each moment becomes an opportunity to honor the other person’s dignity and our shared belonging.

So what is the first step? Begin looking for what is working. Make a daily ritual of naming the small things that nourish you. Let your partner know what you see in them. Let your appreciation speak more often than your critical analysis. Decide together that your relationship is not a problem to be solved but a living thing to be noticed and cared for.

This isn’t avoidance or some kind of romantic glossing over. It’s the choice to relate to your partner through the lens of their inherent worth and your own. When couples commit to this kind of seeing, they stop bracing for disappointment and start participating in a joy that was always available. A “great” relationship isn’t achieved by chasing greatness. It emerges naturally when both people learn to witness and value what is quietly extraordinary about the everyday.

David Ault is a spiritual teacher, award-winning author and founder of Kaleidoscope Child Foundation, a global education nonprofit serving vulnerable communities. With 30+ years in mindfulness and service leadership, he creates programs that foster literacy, empowerment and compassionate action worldwide.

Rev. Richard Burdick

Human beings often put romance into neat little boxes, defining it in a very narrow way. We easily collapse our innate yearning for love and connection by reducing it to sexual and emotional intensity. On the surface, the characterization serves our desire for peak physical and emotional highs—but the “drugs” wear off. Then, either separation springs from boredom and stagnation or unity springs from spiritual excavation. I recommend the latter approach. True romance requires us to dig deep; otherwise, we lose the broader aspects of love’s gift.

Romance is not simply a chemical attraction between two people; it is our soul’s awareness that life is drawing us toward something greater than our egoic selves. Romance is a sacred journey toward heaven on earth that requires shared vision, creativity and listening. Beyond the temporary release of pheromones that draw us to each other, there is a spiritual intimacy that calls us to truth, wholeness and unity.

When feelings fade, chemistry no longer sustains, and the story grows difficult. We assume that romance is gone. Yet, spiritually understood, this is when true romance begins—no longer measured by intensity, but by meaning. This is the moment when deeply committed partners turn their focus from passion and performance to presence and purpose. Here, romance no longer asks the question, “How do you make me feel?” but rather, “Who are we becoming, together?”

In this moment of sacred authenticity, romance is elevated from being something we own to something we humbly utilize as an avenue to spiritual oneness. It’s living for a greater purpose than the next high and initiating a unified consciousness of “we” and “us.”

Here are four suggestions I’ve found effective in my work as a minister:

Cultivate a relationship with the mystery. Release control by leaning into the unknown as a means of discovering something more meaningful. Unburden the partnership by leaving certainty behind as you listen to the still, small voice of love that transcends physical and emotional circumstances. Shared prayer. Shared meditation. Shared spiritual community and experiences.

Release egoic needs for keeping score and nurture a capacity for forgiveness. True love has its roots in compassion, empathy, understanding and forgiveness. These commitments transcend tallies and invite a romance that makes room for collective growth, healing and transformation.

Don’t obsess over how far you have to go. Celebrate how far you have come! This cultivates the strength and courage to face the road ahead as romantic co-creators and not unfulfilled adversaries.

When the “high” has worn off, define it as a crossroads of possibility, not a dead end. This is the moment of grace and choice, when relationships can heal from any notion of separation and unite in the awareness of each other’s presence, more spiritual than physical and more mystical than emotional. This is the moment romance becomes a vehicle allowing you to touch the very essence of God as love.

Richard Burdick is a Unity minister, spiritual teacher and writer known for interfaith dialogue, transformative ideas and practical mysticism. His work blends metaphysical Christianity, universal wisdom tradition and compassionate leadership, inviting individuals and communities into greater spiritual awareness, healing and purpose.

Kelsang Dechok

My teacher, Kadampa Buddhist Master, Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso Rinpoche, says: 

“Most relationships between people are based on a mixture of love and attachment. This is not pure love, for it is based on a desire for our own happiness—we value the other person because they make us feel good. Pure love is unmixed with attachment and stems entirely from a concern for others’ happiness. It never gives rise to problems but only to peace and happiness for both ourselves and others. We need to remove attachment from our minds, but this does not mean that we have to abandon our relationships. Instead, we should learn to distinguish attachment from love and gradually try to remove all traces of attachment from our relationships and to improve our love until it becomes pure.”

An “okay” romantic relationship will be one that is a mixture of some love and likely a lot of attachment. There will be certain expectations each person has of the other, and if those aren’t fulfilled, they may become upset with each other. Each one is expecting the other to make them happy. However, real happiness comes from within ourselves. In fact, the more we are interested in the other person’s happiness, the less self-concern we will have and the happier we will be.

If a couple genuinely cherishes each other, their love becomes more pure, and as a result, their relationship becomes better and better.

If each person checks in their mind, “Am I looking for this person to make me happy, or am I unhappy because my wishes aren’t being fulfilled?” then they will be able to recognize if they are being motivated by attachment. Through identifying attachment in their mind, they can begin to reduce it and finally replace it with pure love, which is wishing for the other person’s happiness without any expectation of personal gain.

Learning to cherish others is a big practice. It takes concerted effort to stop thinking selfishly about our own wants and needs and to instead think about what others need. One mantra we can say to ourselves when we are with that special someone is, “This person is important. Their happiness matters.” In fact, eventually we can think this about everyone, not just our romantic partner! In this way, a deep and stable happiness will grow within us, and naturally, our relationships with others will be fulfilling and harmonious.

Kelsang Dechok, a senior ordained teacher of modern Buddhism, is the resident teacher at Kadampa Meditation Center, Georgia. She studied and taught in the U.S. and U.K. for many years and has served as Director of Tharpa Publications US.