Ask a Coach: Keeping Relationships GoingMay 01, 2022 06:00AM ● By Adele Wang
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I feel like I’m always the one calling and reaching out to people to keep relationships going. But I’m afraid if I don’t reach out, these relationships will end. I feel resentful because I know things are out of balance. What do I do?
This is a very common experience. The first step is to become curious about the energetic dance you’re in with certain people. Observe for a moment: Is the energy you send out to someone the same as what you get back? For example, when you invest $10 worth of energy towards someone—in the form of a phone call or an invitation to lunch, perhaps—do you receive $10 back? It doesn’t have to be immediate or in the same form, but most people can sense when things feel out of balance. There’s a feeling that the energetic return on relationship investment is somehow off. At times, it might be due to an understandably temporary situation. But if it feels like an ongoing theme with all the people in your life, it’s something to look at within yourself.
The second step is to notice when you’re feeling that things are out of balance with someone. Your body is great at sending you guidance, so notice how you feel in your body. Sending people more energy to try to “help the relationship along” usually doesn’t work; it’s likely to just make you feel like your energy account is overdrawn. If you have a pattern of relating to people like that in general, take responsibility by being curious about it.
Consider: Are your actions arising from a
fear of being alone? Are you assuming that if you just give more to the other
person, they will finally appreciate and reciprocate more? Whatever patterns you
notice are probably subconscious echoes from another time in your life. Do some
journaling around these questions. Without the inner inquiry, it’s likely that
the energetic imbalance will keep happening. It’s also likely that a more
balanced, satisfying relationship, even one that showed up on your doorstep,
might feel a bit odd. Many people have never had satisfying relationships, so the
constant drain of over-giving feels normal.
Be curious in the dance of gentle discovery. Things don’t have to feel so all-or-nothing with people. You can start off by offering someone $10 worth of energy, such as a friendly call or text message, and see if it’s returned. If it is, then you can offer $15 next, and go from there. At some point, you might find the balance point where it feels about right for both of you. After all, some relationships are only meant to be $17 of ongoing exchange, while others are $100. Imagine concentric circles; the people who are returning the same energy you give them are in your inner circle. Others are further out.
Step three is to start making different choices. For example, don’t pour more energy out to someone with whom you’re already feeling out of balance. People who do this are often subconsciously hoping that the other person will change. That’s a big part of the drain.
If the people around you are $4 dollar investments only, that’s fine. Dance there. By protecting and saving your energy and not spending $100, you still have plenty left to find people with whom you can dance more deeply. On the other hand, remember that relationships do have their ebbs and flows. Perhaps the $4 engagement pattern will change in the future. Nevertheless, you can still find a point where the energetic giving and receiving feels about right for the right concentric circle in your life. Recognizing the energetic dance you’re dancing with others ensures you’re never too far off-balance. It also has you taking full responsibility for where you put your energy.
This principle works with friendships as well as romantic partnerships. When dating, many people don’t do enough energetic testing first, and they end up disappointed. A classic example is when someone pours out their intense emotions but only receives terse or impersonal three-word texts back. If it keeps happening, it’s a hint that it isn’t a good energetic match. The dance hasn’t been fully “met” to be fulfilling.
If emotional balance in relationships is new to you, ask yourself, “What would someone who truly values themself do in this kind of situation? What would an act of self-love look like?” Then follow your intuition for guidance to take your relationships to the next level. ❧
Owner of Safe Haven Healing, Adele Wang is an energy healing practitioner and a licensed Art of Feminine Presence instructor. She has trained with several pioneers of energy medicine and has studied numerous energy-healing modalities. Find her on TW, IG, YT @AdeleWang and SafeHavenHealing.net on Facebook.